Babs in Blogland

Today I’m going to tell you about the funniest ish I ever did to seek revenge on a guy. Let me preface this walk down memory lane by telling you that Babs normally doesn’t seek revenge. Not because I always rise above the occasion, but because I have been fortunate enough to not have dated men that did me dirty.

Picture it- Summer 2004, I, in my post-separation slutty stage, was seeing (read: knocking boots with) a man affectionately known to many as Construction Guy. I’m not sure why we called him Construction Guy, he certainly didn’t work in construction. Perhaps it was the way he would swing his hammer, or, even better…lay the pipe. Oh my! I just had a really happy flashback!

Anywho, CG was by no means a boyfriend. I can count with two fingers the number of times we actually went out in public. However, the lovin’ was so good it was all I wanted to do. I literally could not concentrate. I would sit in meetings at work and just imagine what I was doing when I got off work. I could write a post just on how good that lovin’ was! CG was a little less refined than I like my men, so I really wasn’t interested in being seen with him. Nevertheless, like all women who are getting it good and getting it regularly, I became emotionally attached.

Anything this man wanted, I was willing to do. Like Jill Scott says, “Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever”. One day, I actually called in sick so I could hang out at his place all day. He had to work in the morning, but was free in the afternoon. “No problem, baby. I’ll just stay here and watch tv and do your laundry.” Yep, that’s just the kinda girl Babs is.

CG headed off for work and I started doing laundry. As I was separating lights from darks, I found a skirt in the basket (actually he kept clothes in a trash can, but you get the point). Not only was the skirt too small to fit these child-bearing hips, but it was like this fleece material. Très tacky! I was outraged! If your gonna sleep around on Babs, you can at least upgrade! A huge argument ensued and I left.

That weekend, after a night of partying where or with whom I cannot recall, I decided that he must pay. I wasn’t willing to do anything that would put me in the pokey, so I had to get creative. So I’m on my way home at 2am and I stopped to get gas. As I was about to leave I peeped the ice cream bin and proceed to buy a sack full of ice cream sandwiches. I have no idea where this idea came from, but I knew exactly what I was going to do.

So I drive in a MONSOON while SH!TFACED to his apartment complex.

Sidebar: Babs is by no means condoning driving while intoxicated, particularly in a thunderous storm.

Thankfully, I wasn’t so drunk that I couldn’t remember the code to his gate. I parked next to his car, took off my shoes so I wouldn’t fall, and walked to his front door in the rain with my loot. I opened all the sandwiches, which had softened up, and proceeded to smear them all over his front door. I mean from top to bottom. I was shoving it into every crevice I could find- the key hole, peep hole, etc. After I was done, I ran back to my car in the rain laughing hysterically the entire time. I truly was a madwoman!

CG never used his front door, he entered his place through the garage. So it was two or three days before he discovered my evil deed. He called me up totally freaked out. “Baby, I think somebody’s got me marked”. I could barely stifle my laughter as he told me about the ice cream sandwiches and how weirded out he was. I asked him if he had done anybody wrong recently and he said no. Jerk. To this day, he still doesn’t know it was me.

A couple of weeks later I was able to break free from CG. What did the trick? We went to a restaurant near my house and I was embarrassed that I might see my neighbors. I realized no good D was worth it. I had to break it off cold turkey, and he continued to call me and profess his love for two years after. He finally quit calling last summer.

Ladies, if you ever feel you have to get revenge on a man, there are a couple of things to keep in mind:
1. Make sure your dirty deed is something that won’t land you in jail.
2. Make sure you take your shoes off so as not to fall.
3. And never ever admit what you did. Take it to your grave!